Evan's Eyes


If a scientist performed illegal human-gene-splicing of James Bond and Dr. Eldritch, he'd get Van Helsing (assuming he could transport him back to 1888, of course). At least, that's what this vision of the legend decides. You may remember Van Helsing from numerous Dracula movies; the aged professor engaged in ruthless pursuit of the vampire. This version is a Van Helsing for the New Millenium: fast, dashing, supercharged, and when possible, very loud. The monsters have been upgraded to match. In the 30's, the monsters lumbered or shuffled (usually due to difficulty navigating in the rubber suit), but these swoop, dive, leap, climb, stalk and dash like the worst of nightmares. What would an updated hero be without an updated sidekick? Just like James Bond, Van Helsing has a techno-geek to provide him with improbable weapons; like an inexhaustible rapid-fire crossbow and a truly Bondian grapnel-handgun (this is the 1800's, right?).

The plot is simple: Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) kills monsters with the help of the highly-attractive Anna (Kate Beckinsale). Okay, there's actually more, but it's unimportant. It's all an excuse to trot out a variety of CG-enhanced monsters so they can be valiantly battled by the hero to a thundering score that makes a full-throated "Carmina Burana" sound like an Enya CD.

By a questionable costume-design choice, Kate Beckinsale's dark vest and pale bodice with strategically-placed red designs often appeared as a double-barreled wardrobe malfunction, if you know what I mean. It's no big deal, though, I'm sure the only ones who'll notice are me and about fifty million guys between the ages of 13 and 45.

If you love mindless, summer action movies, check it out. If you like more substance, see this one while stoned. You'll groove as they wheel out the clichés, shine them up, supercharge them, and crank up the volume to 11! It won't be until much later that you'll wonder about the holes in the plot, the technological anachronisms, or why ALL action movies have to end with a fistfight (or claw-and-fang fight) between the protagonist and antagonist.

If you liked the movies below, you'll probably like this one (and visa versa):

  • Underworld
  • John Carpenter's Vampires
  • Buffy The Vampire Slayer
  • Vampire Hunter D
Overall Rating: 5 (where 1=Worthless, 10=Fabulous)

Eight-Facet Info Rating, rated on a scale of 0 (None) to 4 (Lots!)):

Humor: 1
Nudity: 0
Sexual Reference: 1
Sexual Activity: 0
Action: 3
Gore: 2
Violence: 3
Profanity: 0


© 2004 Evan M. Nichols