Evan's Eyes

Web Log Entry #0093, Thursday, December 11, 2003: Day 388

Anchorage Sunrise: 10:03am Sunset: 3:41pm High Temp: 30° Low Temp: 27°

Vindication! After a year of diligent pursuit of the truth about carnivorous moose, the Anchorage Daily News has all but admitted that I was right!* "That Evan!" you're probably saying. "He must be off his medication!" But sine qua non (Latin for "not sine"), check out the following carefully-edited but COMPLETELY REAL quotes from the news!

First, this shocking admission from state management biologist Rick "Sinnott" (if that is his real name): "It's always surprising to hear these things, but… the so-called herbivores of the world," Sinnott said. "They do eat meat…".

See! It says it RIGHT THERE! Not only does he admit their carnivorous tendencies, but he hints that there may be meat-eating "herbivores" WORLD-WIDE! This could blow the lid off the global cover-up of the dangers of "so-called" harmless plant-eaters! I smell a Pulitzer (they smell like lavender, with a hint of oranges)!

But he's not done. He also makes this chilling statement:

"Leaving aside the startling prospect of potentially carnivorous moose abroad in Anchorage, any large wild mammal that associates human… with dinner will tend to hang around carports and driveways and get cranky, Sinnott said."

Who can consider this terrifying image of cranky moose lurking in carports waiting for unsuspecting commuters to return home without thinking "Wow! Evan sure is right!"? Nobody, that's who! Excuse me a moment while I do a little Victory Dance….

Okay, I'm back. Tired, but happy, I'll finish with a final quote from Jessy Coltrane, the assistant area biologist for the Alaska Department of Fish and Game. The article indicates she made this statement about moose:

"Unlike bears, they don't have the type of digestive system where what comes in goes out the other end."

This cryptic statement seems to indicate that while bears in the woods DO, moose do NOT! This mystery just leads to more questions: If it's not coming out the moose's "other" end, where does it go? What IS the source of all the "moose poop" jewelry, paper weights, and decorative items commonly available in gift shops? Why would people make jewelry from moose poop? Why would anyone WEAR it? Is there another frightening conspiracy to be uncovered by a dedicated blogger, unafraid of challenging "The System"? Probably. But until I get my first Pulitzer, I'll leave this story for someone else to pursue. I'm going to bask in the self-satisfied glow of confirmation of my suspicions, and avoid moose until I can escape from Alaska.

*Depending on your definition of "diligent" and "right."

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© 2003 Evan M. Nichols